amberflowers

amberflowers @ 2008-12-07T19:53:00

2008-12-08T01:55:31Z

Totally forgot I had this...

there is only so many ways I can say "I'm completely happy"

So there you have it... plain and simple... pretty much to the point

amberflowers @ 2007-10-02T17:05:00

2007-10-02T22:47:59Z

Jesus it's been forever....

I think the only person who might ever check this is Charlie, and rarely at that...

I got's me a myspace I writes on almost daily, and yes chucky, you should have an account, if only to have access to my boring ass blogs, I could be your only friend if you don't want anyone to know you have an account lol... not too far off from the truth ahaha, ok that's not fair... people you know and like have accounts on there I have seen them... I have Chad on my friends list...

Anyway, I reached 20 weeks on Saturday, and I turned 27 last Sunday, went on an upper dells boat tour, I enjoyed it very much with exception to the tight fitting tiny seats meant for skinny, non-pregnant bitches... squeezed my fat ass into a kid sized lawn chair practically...

But it was beautiful, walked through the "Witches Gulch"... gorgeous, and the perfect temperature... I should live there, it will be my walkway to my little moss covered cottage,someone will bring me good tasting animals and I will cook them and season them with my home grown herbs and spices, I'll dig up the potatoes and carrots I grew and make lots of stews, and bake breads from scratch...

Me and my bundle that's on the way, will go for exploratory walks almost everyday, find rocks, cut wood for the fireplace, tan hides for winter blankets... hee hee

We will live alone, but I will have daily visitors, friends will bring books, and other children over for socializing..

OK so that's not terribly logical, maybe after my baby is an adult and has moved away, then I can retire alone in such a place...

..."My baby"... I love saying that...

Regardless of all the stress that comes along with it, all the worrying, all the fears and such, I'm ridiculously happy about being pregnant, I have my moments when the aches of carrying an actual human inside of me makes me wish it would hurry up and be over with, or would have taken place some other time instead, but none of that matters, because now I get to imagine little clothes, and toys, outings, birthdays, holidays, firsts, future memories, happy moments, a full lifetime of possibilities, and no longer get depressed because it will only remain a wish...

I am the luckiest person I know, and whether I deserve it or not, I suppose, I do always get what I want..

Regardless of odds, or silly things such as the boundaries of reality.. HEH!

amberflowers @ 2007-07-11T22:39:00

2007-07-12T03:53:01Z

So I know most people don't really read this anymore...but in case you do and your uninformed...I'm pregnant, weird huh.

I'm approximately 7-8 weeks, I'm very excited, everything looks well, I got to see my little black and white baby smudge on an ultrasound screen, no details really because evidently my bladder was too empty to give it a good dark background contrast. Jesse wasn't excited at first but he's definitely being super lovey and affectionate now. I have no doubt eventually he will be very happy, it was just such a shock ...to us both really...

I'm pretty happy, My family is VERY happy. I thought I wasn't ever going to have children, and now I am.

At first the timing seemed wrong, but now, I'm pretty positive it happened just as it should have, things keep looking better and better, and everything seems to be just falling into place lately, it's a very comforting and reassuring feeling...

amberflowers @ 2006-11-21T18:32:00

2006-11-21T23:32:41Z

I found this pic of me and Jesse from the Halloween party before Halloween...I don't look as great as I would have wanted but Jesse...yeah...he gets me all hot in this pic....not to mention that that face of his was buried between my legs at least twice last night and I can't stop thinking about it lol...he made me a very very very happy girl last night....he seems to be improving his technique much quicker than I would have ever imagined, cuz last night kicked my mutha-fookin ass....which reminds me...its been a few days...I should go shave again...

Mmmmmm what a heavenly boy....

Wow, He has managed to make me happier than I can ever remember being...of course with my crazy mood swings who knows how things will turn out...all I know is that right now, I'm on cloud 9...and it's freakin amazing

amberflowers @ 2006-11-01T17:34:00

2006-11-01T22:34:04Z

My Halloween pics...MOST of these are real bad but man a few of them are cute as hell lol

But Jesse said...and I though it was so sweet and I know he meant it even if it wasn't true in everyone's reality ..."you made everyone in that place look like absolute shit"...aww that was so adorable.....Susan said I was definitely the cutest one there too .....if Ii wasn't, well I was damn close...but only because so many people were so freakin ugly...if I wasn't fat....then yeah...I wouldn't be able to argue...cuz I'm fuckin hot for a fatty...and I would be fuckin irresistible as a not so fatty lol

Ok this one is adorable...you can't argue with that...I can be so freakin cute it hurts...and what a pleasant pain it is haha

this one has lighting added to it, and it still sucks, but thats obvious

this too....but I figured I would put them up anyway...cuz I didn't want them all to be just me and Jesse lol

oh yeah and this shitty one was the only one taken with me in it from the saturday night halloween celebration susan was fucking gone that nioght... lemme tell ya... man my lashes look gay in this

amberflowers @ 2006-10-18T04:16:00

2006-10-18T09:20:13Z

amberflowers @ 2006-09-26T02:55:00

2006-09-26T08:07:02Z

Yeah...I'm definitely in a very interesting place in my life...life is seducing me, and I want to make sweet sweet love to it all niiiight looong..maybe even throw in a little anal play lol

BUT, life can be a WHORE and its sucking my finances dry....with it's sweet plump money sucking lips....it's not so bad...but I'm starting to feel a little soreness and sensitivity lol

Shut up.

amberflowers @ 2006-09-21T18:23:00

2006-09-21T23:39:09Z

amberflowers @ 2006-09-14T01:11:00

2006-09-14T18:11:46Z

Don't be mad at me, I'm not settling, I'm accepting.... the best offer that has presented itself. It has a great deal of the things I want so badly, enough to make the other things I want so much seem not as important.

I'm not unhappy.

And you have no room to speak when it comes to settling.

No one ever to lives up to their potential, or maybe that's the problem, maybe they actually do.

amberflowers @ 2006-08-16T16:48:00

2006-08-16T21:52:46Z

You know what...fuck you in the ass. You think I don't know but I do. Upset? Not as much as it may sound, it's not like I didn't expect it, you've never really been a "good" friend anyways.

amberflowers @ 2006-08-14T00:31:00

2006-08-14T05:34:53Z

Yeah, you love us....don't fight it, everyone does. Even when we look as shitty AND as drunk as we do here.

Yeah I'm Talking To You

2006-08-14T05:30:33Z

Your a cunt waffle.....yeah you.

I guess that means you should smell like Vagina-McMaple...but you don't.

You smell like cooter batter

Yeah that's right I said it...cooter batter

Now what?

Me

2006-08-12T17:29:52Z

Intelligence:

I am not "stupid".

But I don't necessarily consider myself "smart" either.

So I'll go with "average".....with potential.

***********************************

I'm sitting here looking at a computer game entitled "Southern Fried Elves" on the back it reads "In a tiny town beset by Cannibal Faeries and elves, a girl tries to raise an army of the undead to protect the living. Instead she raises a zombie girl with attitude, Rean Mattid. In a 3D world of killer elves, she must prevail"

It cost me a whopping $1.49

Don't be jealous.

amberflowers @ 2006-08-02T16:00:00

2006-08-02T21:01:00Z

Come one, come all! You can now enjoy my personal thoughts on my Myspace blog! Where you can read:

"I know you had sex with an ugly"

or

"fuck-a-freak-a-fatty-fun"

or many of the other titles we are featuring at this very moment!

It's all just a click away at

http://www.myspace.com/syntheticfixation

Void where prohibited.

TACOS!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-22T20:51:34Z

so Im feeling pretty good...lost some weight, originally I went on a new diet and lost 5 lbs, went off it and gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks....shit hole, but Ive been on it again for about 1 1/2 weeks straight and Ive lost 9 lbs, even cheated a few times.

it's pretty simple...drink iced tea with sweetner till your shaking from a crazy caffeine overdose and you have to piss every 10 minutes,its about 2 1/2-3 gallons a day, and eat every 2 hours even if your not hungry, which sucks. But its all working rather well, until Saturday at least, when I'm traveling and I get to the first "Jack in the Box" (which is right outside St. Louis YEAH!)and I eat like 50 fried mystery tacos..from heaven..fuck I love those...gimme!

The good thing is that my metabolism is kicked up enough that I can slip big time for a day and I'll still lose weight as long as I go back on it within 2 days, I've found that thats about how long it lasts till it reverses into gain mode.

Shit, my whole entry is about my diet, lame, BUT, and I'm sure alot of it does have to do with my diet, Ive been feeling so good lately, mostly emotionally, although I was feeling better before my diet started either way.

Better than I have in years.

I feel amazingly healthy, in every way

On a different note.....

My hair is neon pink right now, I was trying for a baby pink, maybe after a few washes it will tame down a bit, but for now, I'm a fuzzy glow stick lol. today I'll tip my bangs with purple to break up the color a bit...My Little Pony and Barbie's crack addicted love child, thats what my head will look like...and you love it.

Well, that's about it, Except for my upcoming trip to see my Mom for 2 weeks, in 2 days. Which i already sort of mentioned.

And,Im sure no one cares, or already knows but like Ive said before, I update more often on myspace than on here.

I think Judy is the only who reads this anymore lol and I'm sure she's too busy to check it anyway

Mostly because on my myspace I can see how many views I get...which averages out at about 100-150 a week, with the occasional jolt of viewers, one time my blog was viewed about 150 times in just a few hours, it freaked me out a bit. It hurts to be so cool, seriously. HA!

Just So You Know

2006-05-26T02:28:55Z

Ive been much happier than I have been in quite some time now. I won't lie, Its because of my visit from Charlie.

It just seems that I have had so much pain still lingering because of past problems and events and his visit brought me a new start and a sort of closure.

I figured sooner or later you would get around to reading this....I miss you fuck wod....and BTW, Thanks. It had been way too long since we had a "good" night without all the "bad" shit that was on the back of our minds interferring.

Olive You, but only a little bit, and Ill deny it in public HA!

Clearing

2006-04-25T14:21:22Z

so the other night while at the grocery store I was feeling particularly emotional, it was like 2 in the morning, i hate shopping when people are there. a song came on and i thought to myself, "amber, if you don't take control of yourself your gonna lose it.....if its possible to sence a nervous breakdown, to stop it befor eit happens then this is it...your way closer to crazy than you have ever been and you know it."

then I said to myself " why not, why not just stop worrying about it and let it happen, SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU GO CRAZY!!!"

so i stopped holding back right then, danced around the store like a fag, did whatever i felt like doing no matter how odd. i was completely aware and in control but not really if you get what im saying. brad got mad at me and told me to act normal...which hurt my feelings so i sang to him...."i feel like im going crazy and if you stop me i wont stop myself from throwing this can of peas at your head....just let me beeeee....for your own safetyyyyy.'

i think he decided it was in his best interest to just leave me alone.

it was nice...i had forgotton that the more i fight something the more it fights back...if i just let go....it usually does too

im feeling much much better now, its not garenteed to last, but thats ok, i feel more release right now than i have in a long long time

amberflowers @ 2006-04-22T00:18:00

2006-04-22T06:16:45Z

im still pretty upset...ive written so much about herman in my myspace blog that i guess ill write here

I had a dream last night that I was in a tornado, and herman was in a cat carrier inside a red car, aftre i realized the tornado hit and passed, and i survived, i ran out looking for him, found the car like 50 feet from where it was all smashed up on its side and reached in to get him out, he was hurt and i was upset and I grabbe dhim up in my arms and ran with him, and told him i would take care of him, told him that i tried to run out before the tornado hit but the wind was too strong for me and sucked me into a corner, but everything would be ok.

i woke up frantic thinking herman was hurt and before realizing reality, I automatically reached for what i thought was him, he always slept in between my legs so when i felt long fur against my kneecap between my legs, making it so i couldnt move, I assumed it was him,reached down picked him up and hugged him and told him I loved him and i was so happy he was alright,thank godi was just a dream.... until mina meowed, i realized it was her, and herman wasnt ok...he was still dead

when the fuck is this going to be over...when am i going to be sane again, because with all the emotional peaks i keep experianceing it feels a little like im going insane....like im headed for a breakdown...how lovely would that be

I can hear it now

friend #1 "no im busy tuesday"

person #2 "doing what?"

friend #1 "visiting my friend amber in the mental hospital"

person #2 "omg Im so sorry to hear that, what happened?!?"

friend #1 "nothing really, she was already a bit weird, then her cat died"

person #2 "are you joking me?"

friend #1 "nope...how pathetically retarded is that!"

person #2 "NO SHIT!"

then they share a laugh AHAHAHAHAHAHAH fuck you

I need to go get off so I can think about things where theres no emotional connection at all....like sex ahahaha

Put it In Your Mouth

2006-04-02T16:21:23Z

your better off reading my myspace blogs

ALL THATS NEW

2006-03-24T12:50:20Z

ok i updated on myspace but figured i was bored and would here too, so i had a few bands crashed here last night from when i went to the inferno, I didnt know anyone was playing and was like whatever, the music was not really my hting, someof it was alright ...industrial sounding but then it was ruined with a metal kinda sound, not my fave, anyway...the people though were very nice and very friendly and i had a few really nice conversations

I WAS TRASHED, I drank straight southern at the bar, and continued at home, finished the bottle, was just GONE, at which point I had a conversation with a really nice guy who I beleived was named Josh., everyone passed out cept for me but soon aftre another guy woke up asked if he could take a shower and then since we were the only ones awake went out on th eporch and talked for hours which was also quite nice, except for the snow.

I think I wrote like 50 drunk letters and ims last night which worries me because I was on no sleep and fuelled by soco and maybe some other naughty things.....anyway I slept for a few hours but i still feel icky even aftre 24 hours have passed since i took my last sip......fuck its one of those 2 days to recover hangovers, but i had alot of fun and met nice new people...even lee got to drop by for a bit which was nice

yup thats all thats new

Coming Soon to a Journal Near You

2006-03-18T02:01:40Z

sunday Im off the antibiotics....aftre that ill have enough energy to stay awake and maybe even update here...although I have updated once or twice on my myspace blog in the last few weeks

amberflowers @ 2006-03-11T21:08:00

2006-03-12T04:10:01Z

"Idle hands are the devil's tools" that saying rings very true for my imagination

amberflowers @ 2006-02-25T10:11:00

2006-02-25T16:15:26Z

yeah so Ill add more pics later but I was updateing on myspace and the photos never work in my blog, so here are the said photos from that

amberflowers @ 2006-02-23T14:45:00

2006-02-23T21:32:59Z

Cruella DeVille on crack...that's what I look like

So last night I left the house wearing the first pair of bluejeans I have ever owned. They were too loose for my liking but I'm shaped like an egg, which means what fits my gut is too loose on my butt lol...and too loose on my legs also. I wanted a pair of tight jeans for a more stylish look, NOT loose ones for a more relaxed layed back look. But everything that looked awesome on the lower half, was too tight to button...OH HOW I LOVE BEING FAT.

I'm going through a high maintenance stage, I want my nails done, and I want to dress bitchy and girly, BUT,(and what a huge butt it is)...when I went out last night I found it hard to be comfortable and be me, I never realized how much freedom my red hawk brought to me, I could act-a-fool lol and it was expected, I didn't have to be nice unless I wanted to, I could be as boyish as I liked, now I feel like all I can do is act bitchy and have it be expected

As ridiculous as it sounds, when my hair changes, its like a new costume, and I end up playing the role, in some ways I like it, but in otherways, well its frustrating that I'm not ALL of me ALL of the time. I means it's always who I am, but never everything I am all at once...sounds lame, and it is, but what's a person supposed to do when so many of their characteristics clash. I want to be a hardcore mohawk sportin, messy, fearless, drink you under the table punk-ish girl one day, and a high maintenance trendy put togther bitch the next, then casually leave the house in sweats and a hoody and my nerdy little glasses,be a gothy deathrock chick one day, then frill it up with cutesy lolita dresses and barettes in my hair. Ofcourse I never want to be completely normal.

I don't think I'll ever grow out of my "dress-up" personality, I'm ok with that. Most of the time.

When I was younger everyone was so concerned with being one way, if you changed your look, you were a "poser", now that I'm older, Ive realized that no one is exactly the same all the time, I like a little bit of everything, and even when I change how I appear, I'm not trying to pretend to be something else, I'm just expressing a different part of who I have always been.

Fuck, why do my entries turn out sounding like gay ass after school specials to me all the time, I guess being a retardo is just one more of my many many personality traits lol

amberflowers @ 2006-02-21T05:07:00

2006-02-21T11:18:26Z

My scalp is burning off right now...after bleaching my hair.......3 times...well 2ish....I bleached just the top long stuff the first time and second time....then the shorter back part once with a few touch ups on the front...now I have light ass blonde dye in my hair to take out the golds hopefully...then I'll be dying my little jew locks and the ends of the longer front bangs black ( take my user pic and make the red part blonde)...that is...it I have any left...I waited 2 days inbetween bleaches but i know I should have waited longer....aftre trimming the broom bristle ends of my poor poor hair I'm hoping that all the texture creamy shit I'll be putting in when styling will mask the rest until my hair recovers.... if, my hair recovers ahahaha

so its a extra light ash blonde dye, hopefully it will neutralize the redish shit like I wanted and next time i do my hair.....at least a month away hopefully, I can finally do it the white crazy blonde i want it...with black....BUT...my hair grows so fast, the day aftre bleaching I saw regrowth that made my head look dirty because of the shade difference ahahaah YUCK

but even if it looks like butthole...at least it will be different...a change...for a bit anyways

wish me luck